Sometimes we experience things that are not very nice. Someone may say or do something in which we consider rude. Someone may treat us harshly. These negative events may feel like an arrow in the heart.

We can respond with complaints, with stress, with anger, with resentment or with pain. We can talk to a friend about what the person did or said to us. Our friends may even validate us and say, “Yes, he should not have done that to you. I would be upset too,” and this strengthens our feelings of hurt or anger. We can even post on social media and get hundreds of comments about how the person should not have done that to us. Then all that validation really locks in our feelings of hurt or anger.

And we are left with nothing but validated bleeding.

The great teacher Pema Chödrön has said, “If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there is an arrow in your heart.”

When we have these types of interactions, we have to determine if we want to keep focusing on them. If we do, it is like watching a bad movie over and over on the screen of our mind. Instead, we can change our focus and take care of our wound. Research in social psychology will tell you that those who are self-compassionate cope better with negative events.

Tip: Notice how you feel after a harsh interaction. Where do you hold it in your body? Take a deep breath and breathe there. Ask yourself if you really need to replay the scenario over and over or would it be better to help yourself feel better? Know your self-care strategies and do them! You deserve self-care after you have been wounded and doing so will help you get some relief from a situation that you cannot change.

Hope this is helpful! Want more? We provide relationship workshops to boost healthy communication skills among your group or department. Contact us to schedule!